The Florida Fishing Expedition with Captain Crab
Herman Black was bored, he had been in Florida for three weeks and his routine had become repetitive and uneventful. Wake up at five thirty, drive to the beach, walk on the Boardwalk in Hallandale, come back to the condo, have breakfast. Grab a book, head to the pool, swim six laps, read a couple of chapters on the lounge chair, go back up to the Condo, have a shower. Grab a bite to eat, go back to the pool for four hours, come back up to the Condo, shower again. Decide which restaurant to eat at, call some friends, see who wanted to grab a bite with him and then head off. Finish at around eight thirty, go for a walk around the Diplomat Mall, grab an ice cream, back to the Condo. Read a couple more chapters of the book from the morning, watch the early news and head to bed. Repeat the next day.
There was no way Herman wanted to spend his winter in such a mundane fashion. He flipped on his computer and decided that maybe he would go out for a day of deep sea fishing. He looked at all the charters and their prices were pretty similar, but there was one company that looked different. It was called ‘’Captain Fish Eyes’’ and it said the Captain knew where all the hot spots were in the ocean to land trophy fish. The idea of catching a huge fish appealed to Herman so he called their number to make a reservation for the following week. On the second ring someone grabbed the phone ‘’Yeah, we fish what do you do?’’ Herman cleared his throat ‘’Uh, I want to fish, I would like to book a reservation.’’ There was a long pause and Herman began speaking again ‘’I’d like to go fishing next week, is there anything available?’’ ‘’Dude, next week is booked up but we have an opening tomorrow, would you like to catch a big fish tomorrow?’’ Herman thought about it and decided to live the moment. ‘’Sure tomorrow would be great, what time and where should I go?’’ After telling Herman to be at the boat slip 21 in Dania Beach at 9:00 am and giving directions, Herman was asked for his credit card number which he gave. ‘’Okay, looks like your card works, good. See ya tomorrow and don’t be late.’’
When Herman woke up in the morning he felt refreshed and ready to rock. He headed over to Dania at 8:00 am so he’d be plenty early to begin his adventure. He went to the slip he was told to wait at and there was no boat in sight. It seemed odd, but Herman took a seat at a picnic table located outside of a small closed restaurant and waited. At ten after nine a small boat puttered into the slip 21 and docked. The boat looked like it had been around a long time and was not close to impressive. Once it stopped a man who was about sixty jumped off the bow and tied it up. Herman walked over to meet him. The grizzled looking fellow looked Herman up and down.
‘’You must be the guy I talked to yesterday. Sorry I’m late, I met an old girlfriend last night, and we went for a few drinks at the Smokey Grill and damn if I didn’t end up fuckin her the entire night. If I didn’t have to take you fishin’ this morning I’d probably still be fuckin’ her. It was a hell of a time. You know we broke up cause she gave me crabs. Yup, fuckin’ crabs, and not the kind you eat. Anyways, she claims to be clean now, so that’s that. that’s why I’m late. Now I have to go take a dump, and as soon as I get back we’ll go catch you a Mother Fucka Fish. Give me a few more minutes to shit my brains out, and keep an eye out for my first mate, Oiseau.’’ With that the Captain headed for a public restroom just down the pier.
Herman immediately called his credit card company about getting a refund, he was having serious second thoughts about going on the ocean with Captain Crab, but he was put on perma hold and had no choice but to hang up when he saw the Captain heading back his way.
‘’You know these fuckin’ public toilets don’t have enough fuckin’ toilet paper in them. I bet I’m gonna have skid marks now, damn fuckers. I only wear one pair of under wear and now there’s going to be covered in skid marks, fuck. Are you ready to fish?’’ Herman wasn’t sure how to answer, he really wasn’t, but he had paid, so he figured he would try and make the best of things. He simply nodded his head and followed the captain who was walking like he hadn’t wiped his butt at all.
Once on the boat the Captain looked at him and said ‘’I have to give you the rules before we hit the ocean. Don’t fuckin fall in. Drink as much as you want, smoke weed if you want, but don’t fuckin’ fall in, that’s a pain in the ass and the sharks will probably eat you before I can figure out how to get you back in the boat. Okay, let’s get going. Just as the Captain started his engine, a thin man who was about six foot tall came running towards him and jumped on the boat. ‘’Oiseau, I almost fuckin left without ya, we have a customer here and you are fuckin’ late, you’re lucky I had to take a massive dump. ‘’ The Captain turned to Herman ‘’This here is Oiseau, he’ll be helping land the fish. Did you bring any cash, cause you’re going to have to tip him and me at the end of the trip. Time to go’’
As the boat headed out towards the ocean, the Captain yelled for Oiseau to take the wheel, Captain Crab wanted to share some insights with his passenger. ‘’I got this boat after Hurricane Irma, I hardly paid shit for it cause it had a few holes from being blown and thrown onto rocks. I fixed up most of it, so you don’t have to worry, but if you see water coming in from anywhere just let me know and we’ll bail it the fuck out. I’m taking you out for Sail Fish or Tuna. Because I was fuckin’ late this morning from fuckin’ my brains out, I am going to give you an extra hour on the water, as long as my fuckin’ boat don’t sink and then I’ll bring you back. Oh yeah, I noticed you were looking at my face while I was talking to ya. You mighta noticed I have a glass left eye. It doesn’t come out but it’s useless. The eye’s just there so I don’t have a fuckin’ hole in my face. Anyways, I lost it when a hook flew back and caught the eye, so be fuckin’ careful, I don’t want to lose two eyes.’’
The boat went into an area that seemed desolate and Oiseau came over and put together a fishing rod and threw some chump on the end of the line. ‘’This is good luck Chump, it will help you catch the big fish, you bring him to the boat, I will bring him in.’’
Herman watched his line go out and disappear under the water. It was a blistering hot day and Oiseau came over and asked if he wanted water, coke, or a beer. Herman chose a beer and Oiseau gave him a nice cold Corona.
After about five minutes, Herman regretted not putting on sun tan lotion. When he mentioned it to the very attentive Oiseau, he was rewarded with Oiseau rummaging through a back pack and giving him a half empty bottle of spf 30 lotion to apply.
The Captain kept yelling that he was sure they were going to hit fish soon, but Herman was giving up hope. After a couple of hours of consuming a beer, a bottle of water and a bottle of coke, Herman wasn’t very confident he was going to catch anything but a sun tan. He was also praying that the boat didn’t sink.
Twice the Captain made Oiseau put on fresh chump on the line but nothing was happening. The good news was it was a beautiful day, the boat wasn’t taking on water, and the Captain wasn’t discussing sexually transmitted diseases.
Oiseau came over and offered Herman a tuna fish sandwich that looked like cat food pressed between two slices of shriveled bread which he happily declined. His stomach was fine and he wasn’t going to test fate.
The thing about time on the ocean is that it moves quickly even when things are slow. The Captain shouted he was going to head back to Dania and was fuckin’ sorry he hadn’t been able to let Herman hook a big Mutha Fucker, when something hit Herman’s line hard. The fight he had been waiting for all morning was now on. Oiseau motioned how Herman should move back and forth and reel in when he was pulling back. Herman followed his instructions but he had hooked into a fighter. It was one large fish who had no intentions of leaving his ocean home. The fight was serious and time stood still. Captain Fish Eye did a great job of slowing the engines and maneuvering the ship into different locations when the fish began to run. The battle lasted for forty five minutes before the silver of the fish became apparent near the boat. Oiseau was waiting with a gaffing hook and he struck like a ballet dancer on steroids. Seconds later he pulled a beautiful tuna onto the boat and the Captain let out a huge yell ‘’Fuckin’ Right Mother Fuckas, I always get the fuckin’ fish’’.
Herman was dumbfounded, the tuna was huge and in it’s own way beautiful. Herman’s arm and wrist muscles hurt but he was elated. When they got to the dock, the Captain and Oiseau took pictures and got to work filleting. There was no way Herman could use all the fish, so he gave almost half to a very grateful Oiseau.
Before leaving the boat, Herman gave Oiseau a twenty five dollar tip and did the same for Captain Crab. He threw his tuna steaks in the trunk, thanked them for an excellent day and headed for his Condo.
The rest of the winter was very enjoyable and Herman pointed to his fishing trip as the turning point. He discovered more things to do and stayed very active.
Three months after he got back to Toronto, Herman received a strange letter in the mail from Fish Eye Charters. It read ‘’Hope the Fuck you’re doing okay, you caught one fuckin’ tuna. I just wanted to let you know my old girlfriend (you know the one that gave me fuckin’ crabs) came over to my place and we ordered some food and I got laid. I was a bit short on money, so I used your credit card number, the bill was for seventy five so next winter, I’ll take you out on a Fuckin’ fishing trip to make up for it. If that’s not fuckin’ okay, let me know and I’ll send you the money one of these days. The Captain.’’
Herman broke out laughing. If the Captain started using his credit card on a regular basis he would have to notify Visa and possibly the Police and take action. He didn’t know how excited he was about going on two trips with the craziest Captain in the Universe but it was a guarantee that next winter there would be at least one day that wouldn’t be boring.
