The Day Earnie Cohenim Truly Lost His Mind

It was supposed to be a nice family vacation to a cottage in Northern Ontario. Earnie Cohenim and his wife Michelle had been in home isolation for over four months and the chance to relax in a beautiful outdoor environment was beyond appealing.

Michelle’s brother, Bradley owned the cottage and he and his wife Kim had been inviting Earnie and Michelle for months. When they arrived they received a warm greeting, and then things started to turn to shit.

Bradley showed Earnie and Michelle to their space, a nice newly renovated cabin by the lake and he helped them carry in their bags. He then looked at Earnie and smiled. ‘’Remember, when you use the toilet, you go outside and roll the tank for the septic. That way the crap goes to the bottom. The last time you and Michelle visited, I don’t think you did it, and we had to have someone go in and move the shit around and it cost us a couple of hundred bucks.’’

Earnie started to protest that he didn’t know what Bradley was talking about, but Michelle intervened before he could tell Bradley he was the only one full of shit.’’

When Bradley headed off for his cottage, Earnie was fuming. ‘’I don’t know why we came. He always does these bonehead things. We never clogged his toilet, and the last time we were here, I turned his stupid septic wheel. In fact I put stuff into the wheel to disintegrate the waste. He’s such a tool. Last time we visited he insulted and embarrassed me when we took his boat to fill up. Do you remember, he put in two hundred bucks and asked me if I wanted to throw some money in. I told him my wallet was back in the cabin, and he said to the girl filling up the boat that I would use any excuse not to pay anything. He said, my Brother-In-Law is so cheap he wouldn’t even tip a canoe. Do you remember when we got back I went to the cottage I offered to e-transfer and he made a big deal about it being too little, too late. Damn, why did we come?’’

Michelle looked at Earnie and shook her head. ‘’Honey, you are here to relax, Bradley is full of hot air, just ignore him. He wants to be the big man on campus. Don’t let him bother you. So the schedule my Sister gave me was, we are supposed to relax for twenty minutes and then head to their cottage. We will go with them in the boat to Baxter’s Boathouse and we’ll dock and dine.

Earnie helped Michelle put sheets on the bed in the main room, and then sat outside on the dock. They walked over to Bradley and Lisa’s Cottage and saw them waiting in their boat. ‘’We are so glad you’re here. Bradley has been going crazy by himself. He has been upgrading things on the property, but it is so good to be able to have company. They have excellent Fish and Chips at Baxter’s so let’s go.’’

Earnie didn’t really want to sit across from Earnie, but he reluctantly did. ‘’You shit yet, if you did I hope you remembered to turn the wheel.’’ Earnie wanted to jump over the side of the boat, but instead he just shook his head. ‘’Naw, I’m not the one full of shit.’’

The water was choppy and Earnie couldn’t figure out if Bradley was hitting the waves on purpose but every few seconds he got jolted. Bradley raised the motor as they were going through a narrow part of the lake onto the next lake over and he looked at Earnie. ‘’Did you ever drive this boat, cause I let someone drive it, I thought it might be you, and they took her through these narrows way too fast and did damage to the propeller.’’ Earnie shook his head.’’No Bradley, it wasn’t me, I don’t have my boat license and I would never drive another person’s boat. ‘’ Bradley stared at him with a twisted smile ‘’Thought it was you, oh no, you were with me when we went to the marina to fill up, I remember that now.’’ He then laughed a sardonic laugh.

The food at Baxter’s was excellent. It was outdoor and there was good social distancing, so everybody felt good.

The ride back was similar to the ride to the restaurant, except Bradley kept talking about how much work he had put into the cottage and how much it had cost him. He looked at Earnie and again a grin crossed his face. ‘’I should be charging to rent out the cottage you’re staying in. I bet we could get at least three hundred a night. Do you think it’s worth that to a guy like you?’’

Earnie didn’t know what a guy like you meant, but he just shook his head. ‘’Naw, a guy like me would never come up here if it wasn’t for the fact my wife loves to spend time with her Sister.’’ The rest of the trip featured silence as Bradley contemplated Earnie’s words.

When they returned to the cottage, Michelle said she was going to sit on the boathouse deck with Lisa and catch up. They would open a bottle of wine and relax. Earnie said he’d go back to the cottage to grab a nap and would join them in an hour.

Earnie made the walk back and for the first time was enjoying the sun, heat and calm of the cottage. He needed to just unwind and he would be fine, he would be able to deal with Bradley for the two days they would be there.

He went to the bedroom and got undressed and slid under the covers, and was just enjoying a nice, light sleep when he heard a chainsaw. He sat up and looked out the window beside the bed and saw Bradley cutting limbs off a tree. Earnie tried to lie back down, but there was no luck, the buzz from the saw was deafening. Earnie took a quick pish and got dressed. He went outside to see what his Brother-In-Law was doing. ‘’I need firewood for the fire tonight. I heard you went for a nap, this is cottage country you don’t sleep during the day. You do things, you stay active. You could have asked me and I would have told you there were a lot of things you could have helped me with. What are you an old man who needs a nap?’’

Earnie didn’t answer, he was stunned. Why did Bradley care if he caught a little shut eye. ‘’Did you use the toilet?’’ Earnie nodded. ‘’Well I sure as hell hope you turned the wheel, did you turn the wheel like I told you to?’’

‘’I peed Bradley, do I need to turn the fucking wheel when I pee?’’ Bradley looked at him. ‘’Well, since you didn’t the last fucking time you were here, I thought I’d better fucking remind you.’’ ‘’That’s fucking bullshit Bradley, you are a moron. I did turn the fucking wheel the last time I was here, and if I would have fucking shit, I would have turned it again. Then I would have put a note on social media that I did it, so you would have fucking proof. What the hell, I told you I turned it last time and I would turn it again this time, if I shit, but I didn’t fucking shit.’’ Bradley glared at him ‘’Like you would have paid for gas for the boat at the marina if you would have had your wallet. I didn’t see you try to hard to pay for lunch today.’’ Earnie was now steaming. ‘’That’s because your wife wouldn’t let us pick up the bill. We tried you fucking moron. You know what, you can take this fucking cottage, your fucking boat, your fucking septic tank and wheel and shove them all up your fucking ass. I’ll send you a check for the half day we spent her and for lunch, then never ever fucking talk to me again anywhere any time, you stupid fucking septic loving dink.’’

Bradley yelled after him ‘’Yeah, well Fuck You, Fuck You, you cheap inconsiderate bastard. You are a lazy piece of shit, coming up here to sleep instead of helping out. I am glad you’re leaving, we don’t need any more possums up here.’’

Earnie went into the cottage and stripped the bed, and replaced the linen. He made sure everything was exactly as he had found it, and grabbed the bags. He slowly started walking to the main cottage where the car was parked. He could see Bradley walking ahead of him. When he reached the car, he saw Lisa running towards him.

‘’What are you doing, you’re not going are you?’’ Earnie was still fuming. ‘’Your wonderful husband has accused me of a lot of things, I came here to relax not get attacked. What did I do wrong? I wanted to grab a nap and that upset your darling Bradley, he accused me of being cheap and not turning the FUCKING septic wheel the last time I was here and now. These are mean and hurtful accusations and I just don’t need it.’’

Lisa looked forlorn ‘’Look he didn’t mean anything. He owes you an apology but please, don’t leave. Michelle and I just got a chance to talk and I haven’t seen either of you for ages. Please Earnie.’’

There was no question that Lisa’s plea was sincere but all Earnie wanted was to get away from the nonsense. He shook his head. ‘’Could you please tell Michelle I’ll meet her at the car.’’ Lisa looked at him ‘’Please Earnie, be the bigger man. I know Bradley is wrong, he sometimes says things before he thinks about the consequences but he’s a good guy.’’ ‘’Yeah, he’s so good he accused me of not wanting to pay for lunch. Listen Lisa, I love you, but I am not here to be ridiculed or treated like a second class citizen. You know we’ve been through a lot during this pandemic. I was furloughed and who knows if I’ll ever get my job back. I don’t need salt being thrown into my wounds. I want to go.’’

Lisa turned around and headed back for the cabin as Earnie put the bags from the cabin into the trunk and started the car. He pulled the car in front of the cottage and waited for his wife. He stopped the car and stood outside of it, still fuming. He had never been cheap in his life and the accusation hurt.

A few seconds later Lisa returned and she was looking very sad ‘’Bradley can be over the top, he really didn’t mean to cause you hurt. He was worried because we’ve had nothing but trouble with the septic system and it has become almost an obsession. He’s been looking forward to your company. Anyways, Michelle asked that you come in the cottage, she’s crying and wants to talk.’’

Earnie started to get upset again, fuck Bradley and his septic. He walked in the cottage and at one end of the table sat a red faced Michelle and at the other end the prick. ‘’Michelle, I’ve been insulted and treated with more disrespect than I can describe. If you want to stay here, your Sister and your lovely Brother-In-Law can drive you home, I’m out of here.’’

Lisa intervened. ‘’Bradley, I have been up here for months and I have no desire to see Earnie and Michelle leave, you better apologize.’’ Bradley slowly lifted his head up and in a low voice said ‘’Whatever, I apologize for you acting like a woman.’’ Earnie couldn’t believe his ears. ‘’What, What did you say? Acting like a woman, it’s a lot better than being a douche bag.’’

Michelle stood up and there was real anger on her face. ‘’What the hell is the matter with you two? Bradley, how dare you call my Husband cheap. I also find it disgusting that you treated us like interlopers instead of guests. If you can’t be a man and apologize to my Husband for insulting him, well I guess it will be forever that we ever have anything to do with you again.’’ Lisa than looked at her husband. ‘’I love you Brad, we’ve been married twenty two years, but if you think I’ll let you cause a rift with Earnie and Michelle, you don’t know me at all after all these years. ‘’

Bradley once again looked at everybody. ‘’Okay, I apologize. I know I over did the septic tank thing and I shouldn’t have insulted you, I know you’re not cheap. Okay, Alright, Feel better?’’

Earnie knew it wasn’t a sincere apology but it was a start. ‘’Look Brad, I was there when you and Lisa were going through rough times and I’ll always be there. I don’t know why all of a sudden you have a two by four up your ass, but just remind yourself that we’re not your enemies. Also remind yourself that I wasn’t the one who screwed up your septic system.’’

Brad stood up and walked over to Earnie. ‘’Listen, I have a lot more on my mind than you know and I let everything out on you, I was wrong. I do apologize, let’s have a nice weekend.’’

As he attempted to hug his Brother-In- Law, Earnie stepped back. ‘’Uh, No Thanks, Covid and Safe distancing. Anyways, I’m sorry for calling you the names I did. I should have had better self control. I knew everything you were saying was bull but I let it bother me. I respect and love you and Lisa, so lets start over without any nonsense.’’

Lisa declared the vacation was on an official restart and she pulled out another bottle of wine. She and Michelle headed to the boathouse roof to drink it, as Bradley and Earnie went to Earnie’s car to retrieve and return everything to the cabin.

On the way over to the boathouse to join the women, Bradley looked over at his brother-in-law and smiled. ‘’Earnie I believe you one hundred percent that you didn’t wreck my septic system and I apologize for constantly bringing it up. But uh, just a reminder, if you do take a crap, please make sure and turn the wheel.’’ Earnie didn’t know if Bradley was joking or serious, he just knew that no matter what he had zero desire to start the whole crappy conversation all over again.’’