Skidding out the door…

Benny Goodson had never been happier. He was deeply madly in love with Alison Crontin even though they had only been on two dates.

The best way to describe Benny would be to compare him to a squat brick house. He was in perpetual motion and didn’t believe in wasting one second of time. He was in the Insurance business and had done very well selling medical health insurance and life insurance. He always laughed at the irony, on the one hand, he was selling people policies to help them keep alive, on the other hand, he had them covered if they kicked the bucket.

He met Alsion Crontin via the infamous Love and Passion Dating Site. It was a dating service that catered to people who were in the more mature years and had a zest for life.

Alison was in the Interior Design business. She was fifty-four and was quite attractive. On their first date, they went to an Italian restaurant called Tutto Bene. It was absolutely fantastic and they had a phenomenal time. After the date, they went back to Alison’s Condo for a glass of wine and a piece of cake. Even though he was stuffed from the Pasta Primavera with Goat Cheese, Benny ate a slice of the homemade Chocolate Mousse cake.

The next date was more elaborate. Alison had been invited to a fundraiser for the Art Gallery of Ontario and she had invited Benny to be her guest. The dinner was three courses and it was all Vegan which he loved. They once again went back to Alison’s place where they enjoyed coffee and apple pie. They also started to get to know one another more intimately.

Benny spoke to Alison a couple of times a day and he asked her if she wanted to go see the Toronto Maple Leaf’s play on Saturday Night. His good friend, Arnie Shaipiro had two tickets that he wasn’t using as he was heading to his cottage with his wife and family. She was excited about the idea.

The Leafs beat the Ottawa Senators in a blowout. It ended six nothing for the home team and the crowd was jovial. It was a twenty-five-minute ride back to Alison’s place and she invited Benny up. As they were entering the elevator she smiled at him ‘’I hope you don’t have any plans for tomorrow.’’ It was music to his ears.

They drank wine and danced to a Luther Vandross song. Soon, they were undressing each other and it was one of the greatest feelings that Benny ever had in his life. When Alison’s jeans dropped to the floor, she was wearing a black thong with a little red flower in the middle. Her top came off easily (It was a Maple Leaf’s jersey) and she had on a lace black bra. Soon Benny’s pants and shirt were on the floor as they made their way over to the bed. Alison looked into his eyes, ‘’You don’t have any sexually transmitted diseases do you?’’ Benny hardly heard a word. ‘’No, No, never, never had one. Never wanted one. No, No. I just want you Alison. In a very short time I’ve fallen head over heels for you. I think about you day and night.’’ Alison smiled. ‘’Make yourself comfortable I’ll be right back.’’

She pushed Benny onto the bed and wiggled into the en-suite bathroom. Benny took off his boxers and looked down. He was fully engorged and ready for action. It had been a while, but he believed stronger than ever that good things come to those who wait.

When Alison returned she looked at Benny under the covers. ‘’I hope you like my sheets. They’re called Dreamsack Seamless Silk. I only believe in having the best in my bed.’’ Before entering the bed, she pushed her thong down and unhitched her bra. ‘’Why waste time?’’

Benny couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Alison had a perfect body, and if you didn’t know her age, you would have never have been able to guess it. He felt like he was living in a movie as she got under the sheets with him.

It didn’t take long and they were making love. Benny had been with different women but at that moment in time, he couldn’t remember any of them. Alison was perfect. He could feel the sweat forming on his round bald head, and his heat levels were high. The sheets were comfortable but very warm.

After fifteen minutes they took a break, and Alison suggested they take a shower. They did and when they returned to bed they both fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Benny looked at his watch and it read four fifteen and he had to go to the bathroom. He softly disentangled himself from Alison and went to the toilet. He closed the door and cursed to himself that he had to have a bowel movement. It wasn’t the most romantic thing to do, but when you have to go, you have to go. He was just about finished when he heard Alison call his name. It was so embarrassing. He had no idea where the Febreeze was and he knew he had made a monster dump. He saw some perfume called Guerlain Shalamar and shot out a few squirts hoping it would cover the bad smell. Alison was calling more frequently, so he wiped, flushed, and prayed she wouldn’t go into the bathroom.

When he returned to the bed, she was in a playful mood and they made love. Once again they fell asleep. Alison was up first and she said she was going to make French Toast and Strawberries. Benny suggested a shower and she said she’d already had one while he was still sleeping, but he was welcome to take one himself. She left for the kitchen.

As he was getting up he looked down and there was a skid mark on Alison’s silk sheets. He felt sick. He went to the bathroom took a towel and soaked it, came back into the bedroom, and wiped the streak on the sheet. He attempted to make the bed so the skid wouldn’t be visible.

Alison insisted on serving Mimosa with the breakfast and they laughed about a ton of things and discussed plans for the week. Benny thought about bringing up the skid mark, but he was nervous that her reaction would be very negative, so he let things slide.

Alison said she was going to spend the rest of the day visiting her son and daughter-in-law and her five-year-old grandson Jack. She said the nicest thing, she said that she couldn’t wait to see Benny again and hated that they were going their separate ways. It was tough to say goodbye, they kissed passionately for about five minutes before he could finally muster the strength to leave.

Benny tried calling Alison that night, but there was no return call, so Benny figured she must have still been with her family, or she was out with friends. When he went to bed he was surprised she hadn’t called him back.

That night, when he was home watching reruns of The Big Bang Theory, he tried Alison again, and once more there was absolutely no response.

Benny played a hunch and went on to the Love and Passion Dating site. He looked at Alison’s profile and it showed she was online. He felt crushed beyond words. Had he just been her boy toy?

Looking at the Love and Passion site actually made Benny feel awkward and uncomfortable. He decided to remove his profile. He knew he was biting his nose to spite his face but he didn’t want anything to do with anybody on that site. He had totally misjudged Alison Crontin and didn’t want to go through the ringer again.

After sitting for a couple of minutes, Benny decided to send Alison an email, as he had nothing to lose. ‘’Dear Alison, I thought we had something special. I really believed I was in love with you. I could see a future together. I don’t know why I’ve been iced out of your life, but I’ll accept it and move on. Just to let you know, you have destroyed me. I went on to the Love and Passion site and saw you were on. I have removed my profile, I never want to run into you. I couldn’t handle the hurt. I guess I wish you a great life. I will never understand. Benny’’ Predictably there was no response.

On Friday morning, Benny went to Sobey’s in Thornhill to grab a Barbequed Chicken and a sweet noodle pudding. He almost walked into Alison who had her cart full. They looked at each other and Benny started to walk away. Alison yelled out ‘’Benny, let's grab a cup of tea at Sip Sip.’’ Benny’s immediate thought was to tell Alison to go screw herself, but he was interested to find out why she had been so miserable to him.

After putting his groceries in the trunk he walked over to Sip Sip. He ordered a medium green tea and waited.

Benny’s heart palpitated when Alison walked into the cafe. She went to the counter and ordered a Macchiato. She sat down and Benny didn’t know what to say, so he said something stupid. ‘’I find the Macchiato sweet.

Alison was all business. ‘’I’m going to get to the point and then leave. I was married to my ex-Howard for sixteen years and do you know what I really, really, really hated Benny? I hated his self-indulgence and lack of consideration. I think you and Howard have a lot in common and I will not accept it. I am getting out before I get burned again.’’

Bennt shook his head. ‘’I’m confused Alison, I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.’’ She had an angry look on her face. ‘’Howard used to have streak marks in his underwear. I hated it. I’d do the laundry and have to see that the guy I was spending my life with didn’t know how to use toilet paper. When he told me he was getting remarried, you know what I said to him? I hope your new wife can handle your shit stains better than I could. I should buy her a blindfold for a wedding present so she doesn’t have to see how much shit you leave in your underwear. You know Benny, we had a wonderful time together, I loved the hockey game, and we came back to my place and I was happy. Then we have breakfast and you leave. I go back to my room to make the bed and you know what I find Benny?’’ Alison’s voice was now louder. ‘’I find a wet skid mark on my good sheets. You basically shit in my bed! Who does that? Were you trying to mark territory? The sheet was wet and smeared and it made me sick. I can’t be with someone who shits in the bed or doesn’t wipe his ass properly. I loved those sheets and who knows if your skid mark will ever come out. Don’t even try to offer to buy me new sheets, cause I wouldn’t take your money, Mr. Shit in my bed.’’

People were looking at them and if there would have been a hole, Benny would have fallen into it. ‘’It wasn’t like anything you’re saying. I had to get out of bed when you were calling me for breakfast. I noticed there was a small stain, which I apologize for, and I ran to the bathroom. I put water on a towel and I rubbed the spot to remove it. I honestly thought it would be gone before you noticed.’’

Alison’s eyes had gone pitch black and Benny thought she was looking like a Demon. ‘’You mean you used my Versace White Heart towels to rub your shit? Oh my Gd, what is wrong with you? I am not going to deal with you making shit marks where I sleep. We are done!’’ Alison jumped up and marched towards the door. She turned before she left and with dramatic flair yelled, ‘’The macchiato is not overly sweet.’’

There wasn’t one day that passed over the next three weeks that Benny wasn’t bothered by the skid and the crash it had caused. He finally went online and found a matching set of sheets. They were expensive so was the Versace White Heart towel, but Benny knew he had to fix the damage he had done. He ordered them online and had them sent to Alison’s house.

Alison sent him a note a few days after she got the sheets and towel. ‘’Nice try, but a skidder is a skidder. Not interested. Bye Benny.’’

Six months later Benny went out on a date with Debbie Leventhal. They had met through mutual friends. They were enjoying dinner at Canoe overlooking Toronto when she asked Benny what he did for a living. He told her about the insurance business and she actually seemed interested. When he asked her what she did, she shook her head. ‘’I don’t like to talk about it on dates.’’ Benny insisted that whatever it was he wouldn’t judge her. She finally relented. ‘’I’m a Doctor. I specialize in Proctology. ’’ Benny took a second to think about things.

‘’Debbie, I have to ask you a question related to your field. I know it’s not dinner talk but may I ask you something about your area of expertise?’’ Debbie was pensive. ‘’Usually, when I’m on a date I stay away from those kinds of conversations.’’ Benny was oblivious. He looked down at his Ceaser salad and took a deep breath. ‘’Why do some people leave skid marks on bedsheets?’’ ’ Debbie was almost grimacing as she answered. Her voice was very officious. ‘’If the staining happens once in a while, it’s probably because you didn’t clean yourself properly after you’ve had a bowel movement. The way a bowel movement works is feces stains the inner lining of your anus. A bowel movement causes your anus to descend and as a result, it protrudes slightly. This results in the inner lining of your lower anus is protruding. When you use toilet paper, it irritates the anus lining and the anus retracts quickly, preventing you from properly cleaning all of the anus. There may be some faeces left on the anus resulting in a stain. It is embarrassing but it is very common. If a person is staining on a regular basis, I’d suggest they bring it up with their family Doctor. Are you satisfied with the answer?’ Benny emphatically answered that he was and thanked her for the explanation. She looked at him with contempt. ‘’Good I’ll try and finish my dinner now.’’

Benny felt oddly relieved. He knew it was all a misunderstanding with Alison, he had rushed getting out of the bathroom, and haste had literally made waste. He wasn’t sure how to carry on the conversation as Debbie who was now focused on eating and wasn’t looking at him very much.She didn’t seem interested in any more communication.

‘’Thank You, Debbie, I am so sorry for asking such a crude question. It was something bothering me. Long ago I dated a woman and she had skid issues, and she broke up because she couldn’t handle it. I’m glad to know the causes and I hope she gets help. I still carry a special place for here in my heart.’’

Debbie burst into hysterics. ‘’Right, right, in medical school we used to have a saying, those who denied it ususually supplied it. But it’s okay I like a man with a sense of humour, skids or no skids. ‘’ After that, the conversation turned to the summer and the pool Debbie was having put into her backyard. The whole rest of the night flew by and was relaxed.

After dinner, Benny walked Debbie to her car in the parking garage and for his gallantry was rewarded with a nice kiss. She looked up at him as she got comfortably behind the wheel of her BMW. ‘’Uh, Debbie, I was hoping we could go out again Saturday night, what do you think?’’ There was a little hesitation ‘’You’re a great guy Benny, but I don’t know if we are a great match. Let’s keep in touch and see what happens.’’ He nodded, closed her door, and watched her driveaway.

As he walked to his car, he felt triumphant. He didn’t know if he and Debbie would date again, but he had been given a very professional explanation about the cause of skids and he wasn’t billed for it. He was happy to know that he didn’t have a serious problem regarding skidding. He could reignite his dating life if things with Debbie didn’t happen. He also knew that once he started dating he’d never have to bring up skid marks again. It was a fresh start, he’d just always have to make sure to do a better job wiping his ass.

Alan Schwarz loves life. He is the founder of JAMS Productions, a television production company based in Toronto . His passion is writing.

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