Felix Berger’s Huge Covid-19 Problem

Felix Berger loved himself. He preferred to stare at at himself in a mirror than go out and meet new people. It had happened early in his life, around Grade Four. He was never picked for any teams at recess so he invented his own little world. He was the King and ran everything in his kingdom, he didn’t need any other kids to join him.

As he got older Felix discovered the world of online gaming and that was how he spent his time after school everyday. He was known by his online gaming handle, ‘’The Lix’’. He never met any of the people he played against but they all knew him.

Felix kept a very simple Facebook page with very limited amounts of information about himself.

When Covid-19 showed up on the scene, Felix kept a very low profile and did everything in his power to not have to go out at all. He ordered his groceries online and picked them up off his stoop.

Things were going okay until he forgot to place his weekly order with ‘’Food D’’ the company that always brought his weeks worth of supplies. When he tried to reach them, he was shocked when he was told that because of Covid-19 all the slots for delivery were completely full for the next three weeks. Once you miss your slot, you have to start over like everybody else.

Felix was incensed but there was little he could do about it. The major problem was he was down to his last roll of toilet paper. Felix would have to leave the house if he wanted to or not.

He asked online if anybody who he was gaming against had any toilet paper for sale, and if they’d deliver it. He was met with symbols indicating laughter, and a few comments that were totally rude.

That night, Felix drew up his strategic plan. He would go to the Real Canadian Super Store at eight am. He would run in, grab some oranges, bananas, and Toilet paper and get out as fast as possible. Due to the possibility of the Corona Virus in the air he would make sure he was dressed to protect himself.

At six am, Felix woke up and began preparations. He would wear his best gas mask and gloves that would run up to his elbows.

He dressed and watched the clock. At seven fifteen he headed for the store and much to his amazement there was a long lineup. He took his place at the back, six feet away from the guy in front of him.

The line moved liked a glacier and Felix was finally waved in at eight forty five. He filled his cart with Bananas and Oranges and dashed for the toilet paper and much to his dismay there was none left.

As he paid, he complained about the lack of Toilet paper. The cashier told him that if he headed for the supermarket three blocks over ‘’Rosenberg’s Super Supermarket’’ there was a very good chance he’d find some as she had heard from her boyfriend who worked there, that they hey had bought a tractor trailer load of the stuff.

Felix flew out of the store and drove as quickly as he could to Rosenberg’s Super Supermarket and looked at the very long line that was nicely spaced out of people waiting to get in. He didn’t want to stand in another line, but he had to get the toilet paper or he would be doomed.

As he stood in line, a kid came over and looked at him and laughed ‘’Hey Mister, can I get your autograph, I always wanted to meet Darth Vader.’’ The pimply boy then walked away, laughing at what he thought was a hysterical line.

It was another long grueling hour before Felix got to the door, and by then he made a startling discovery, he had to pee really badly. He asked the person who was counting people before he let them in where the bathroom was, and the guy laughed. ‘’I guess even aliens need a toilet. I love your mask, it’s hilarious, and those gloves, those gloves, I saw them in a comic book. Anyways, you go to the back of the store, walk through the..Whoops, Sorry dude I just remembered because of the Corona Virus nobody gets to use the washroom, it has been declared off limits by the management. The good news is you can go in now.’’

The pain in Felix’s lower part was intense. He had to go, there was no question about it and he had to go as soon as humanely possible. He rushed to the Toilet paper area and grabbed two packages and then ran to the line for one of the cashiers which was incredibly long.

He danced from foot to foot trying to think of different thoughts as he waited six feet behind the person in front of him, who was reading ingredients on the items in her cart. The person in front of her was talking on her cell, and the guy in front of her was waiting to get his items on the conveyor belt and couldn’t place them until the woman who had just paid for her groceries bagged them.

It was another twenty five minutes and Herbert was in agony. When he finally reached the cashier and told her about his displeasure about not being able to use the washroom, she looked at him in an odd way. ‘’Sir, I don’t know what you’re talking about, we would never stop our customers from using the bathroom, someone gave you bad information.’’

Felix wanted to become ‘’Lix’’ and go punch the guy who had made him suffer, but he didn’t have time, he needed to get home.

It took exactly six minutes to pull into his driveway. He ran to the door, opened it and bolted to the bathroom. He unzipped and for the first time in hours felt a sense of relief that was quickly followed by a sense of panic.

Felix had not removed his gloves or his shoes. He was holding his Private down with his gloved hand and he had nullified everything that his mask and glove were supposed to be eliminating. He had (if the virus had attached) brought it into the house. He felt sick.

After going back to the car and disrobing and bringing in the groceries, Felix felt absolutely terrible. He prayed he didn’t catch the virus. He would now count the days till he knew he was clear and clean.

That night playing online, Felix came to a conclusion. No matter how long the quarantine lasted he would not go out again. He would order his groceries three weeks in advance if he had to. There was no way he was ever going to endanger his life and his Johnston again, groceries were just not worth it.

Alan Schwarz loves life. He is the founder of JAMS Productions, a television production company based in Toronto . His passion is writing.